Posted by: Bethany
Today I was listening to a Focus on the Family broadcast. It was giving information to wives about building up their husbands and how important it was to their marriage.
I must say, I feel blessed to have the resources available with advice on how to be a good wife. The broadcast was very informative and gave lots of great information. Of course, it was part two of three, so I missed part one and will have to listen in tommorrow for the last segment….or I’ll listen in online later today!
There were some really great points about building your husband up. About how important it is to give him affirmation, to support him, to encourage and praise him, and to show him that you desire and love him. If you get a chance, ladies (or men I suppose) you should listen to the broadcast. It was great!
I was thinking how glad I was to have listened to it so early in my marriage. Of course, we always have the Bible to glean advice from for all relationships, do we not? How encouraging that God thought marriage a worthy enough institution to spend a great deal of time giving instruction for it.
21 and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.
22 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.
24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,
26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;
29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,
30 because we are members of His body.
31 FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.
32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.
33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
I love how God used the differences in men and women and gave instruction best suited for each. I know that lots of women seem to have a problem with this portion:
Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
I think it makes a lot of women uncomfortable and so they skim right over it and ignore it. Christian women that is. Non-Christian women tend to mock and ridicule it claiming it dishonors women and makes them a doormat for men.
Not true.
But, shouldn’t all institutions have a head, or a leader? One who makes the final call. Sometimes that is necessary, right?
And women are most likely to make a decision based on emotions and men are more likely to make a more structured sort of decision. Am I wrong?
Now, I’m certainly not saying women have no part in encouraging or discussing important decisions with their husbands…or that they don’t have important rational points to make…or that men will always make the right decision and women will choose the wrong way…
but I think these instructions were given based on differences in men and women. I think these instructions were given based on the weaknesses and strenghts of each sex.
And I think many could agree that there is nothing weak in being submissive. Isn’t being humble and submissive (to anyone or anything) one of the hardest things to do? Maybe I’m alone in this, but I find it incredibly hard to submit myself…it’s much harder to do than to be stubborn and demand my own way. That is quite natural! 
I had my first taste of really being submissive just the other night! (Josh may not even realize this…)
On December 23, we had driven out of town to buy motorcycle parts and do a bit of last minute Christmas shopping. After we ordered the parts Josh needed for his motorcycle we went to the mall in Slidell, LA.
It was incredibly busy, as you can probably imagine. It took us about fifteen minutes to even get into the parking lot (the traffic was incredibly horrendous!)
I was psyched, as post-Katrina shopping has been limited and I haven’t been to a shopping mall in months and months! I was itching for the hustle-bustle of last minute shoppers, the perusing of items from several shops, the smells drifting from the food-court and potpourri in Kirklands, the booths set up showing all the benifits of water massage and remote control airplanes….
Well, as we enter a guy is speaking to a few people near the enterance. He’s offering a dollar if you can answer his questions. He asks several one dollar quesions (and I’m listening in for a chance to win myself) when he says he’s out of one dollar questions. He proceeds to offer twenty-dollars to someone who can answer the next four questions.
Well, I can see where this is going and suddenly in my head this guy morphs into Ray Comfort or Kirk Cameron himself as he presents the gospel to a lady using The Way of the Master method. I happen to be a huge fan of Way of the Master, as is Joshua, so we watch the guy. He’s absolutely great and the people are listening.
Suddenly, Josh and I take note of a janitor on his radio, calling in that there is a disturbance in the parking lot and to please send security.
The security guard comes and puts an end to the conversation and tells the guy he may only speak individually to one person at a time. The guy takes it quite well but the crowd actually gets incredibly upset. One guy, who had just stated to his friend, “Let’s get out of here, he’s preaching now.” was one of the biggest advocates that this guy be allowed to talk to people coming and going from the mall.
Needless to say, my husband was also one of the guys advocating that the guy be left alone. And when the guard said he was just following mall policy Josh informed him that he nor his family would be shopping at that mall ever again.
Oh.
I understood, I really did. But I was aching to get inside that mall. The thing is, I agreed with Josh. If I had been by myself, I would have probably talked myself into going in, just this last time!
And we did go in. To file a written complaint (this was actually the suggestion of the guard.) but then we left again. (If you would like to read Joshua’s version of the story you can find it here.)
On the way home Josh apologized for not asking me about the decision he made and that we didn’t get to go shopping. And I informed him that it was no big deal. Because it wasn’t.
I’m proud he made a stand. I’m proud things like that are important to him. And now, a few days later, I’m not even sorry about missing a shopping trip. I would have spent too much money anyway!
On the way home I just smiled inside with complete satisfaction. That was my role. To stand by my husband’s decisions….and it really wasn’t all that painful!
I’m sure the day will come when the decision will be larger…and maybe more important to me. The decision will affect a lot more than how we spend an evening. It will be big. But I will have to trust that God knows what he is doing in assigning roles and giving instruction. And I’ll have to trust that Joshua is doing his part…
What about the men’s part?
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
Now, I know being submissive can sound difficult. And sometimes unpleasant…but what about this?
love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her
Husbands are called to love us, as Christ loved the church, and gave himself for the church? Ummm…read this: Love her and be willing to give his life for her whether she deserves or earns it? Isn’t that what Christ did? Loved the church and gave his life for it even though they were unworthy and undeserving and generally ungrateful?
Oh….yes. But that is not it. Oh no!
so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
Our husbands are supposed to love us unconditionally so that we are presented without spot or wrinkle or any such thing…so we are holy and blameless?
Our lives, our decisions, are a reflection on our husbands. Our sins are a reflection on our husbands….
I must admit, I’d much rather submit to my husband than have the responsibility placed upon him. We ladies might possibly have the better end of this deal. Or maybe that’s just my design speaking…
…but what an incredible responsibility!
Of course, I realize this scripture is supposed to represent Jesus and his church….but aren’t all our relationships in this world supposed to be a reflection of Jesus and his church? Including the family? Maybe especially the family?
It’s a lot to think about. It’s a lot to comprehend. I’m sure I’ve done a bumbling job of the little bit I’m trying to get across to you.
But, with the posting of wedding pictures, and the listening to James Dobson on the radio, and the general newness of my marriage, I guess it’s something that is on my mind.
And if any of you have any words of wisdom, any gleans of advice that you have discovered to be true through the testing of time, any theological corrections to my small understanding of the scripture, please feel free to share. I will take all the help I can get! 
December 29th, 2005 at 12:35 pm
I love, love, love this post! And I love the under-the-veil picture.
December 30th, 2005 at 11:11 am
Oh Bethany, what an awesome post and you are so right on…It took me 22 years of marriage to give my Sweetheart the honor & respect he deserved. Oh, I am not saying that I didn’t respect him before, but it somehow is different now
If you haven’t already, read the book “Love & Respect” from Dr. Emerson Eggerich. It is a wonderful and helpful book. It is build on the Scripture passages you quoted - Ephesians 5:21-33.
You might enjoy it, but then again you might have read it already
December 30th, 2005 at 11:15 am
I am sure I will come back for some more reads…
December 30th, 2005 at 11:17 pm
Bethany,
Congratulations to you and Josh — may you have many great years of love and happiness!
About instructing women to submit:
If a person wants to defer to a spouse because that person believes the spouse is better at making decisions, then that is just fine (as long as it’s true).
But there is no reason to think that men in general are bettter at making decisions than women, or vice versa. People are individuals, and individual variations are vastly more important than any gender-based tendencies. A wife is just as likely to make a good decision as a husband, although every person is going have areas of strength and weakness.
Your example of taking a stand at the mall is very interesting. Your husband made a good decision, and you ended up agreeing with it after the fact. And maybe you would have made a different and “worse” decision yourself.
But if Josh had thought to involve you in the decision, it would have been just as good, and perhaps significantly better.
For example, he could have taken you aside and asked you what you thought the both of you should do. Even if you two had made exactly the same decision, you would have had more ownership of it yourself, and it would have been at least a little bit better all around. And it’s possible (likely?) that the two of you could have brainstormed something different, or at least a different twist on the same strategy, that could have accomplished even more than what you did accomplish.
As you pointed out, it wasn’t a big deal. But bigger deals will come along, and even the little deals of daily married life slowly accumulate over the years into a very important life history for both you and your family.
If submitting to Josh works for you (and him), then more power to you and keep doing it. But there’s no way I could imagine wanting my wife to submit to me, short of her being in a coma, and there’s no way my wife would accept such a notion as anything other than an outrageous insult.
Congratulations again, and thanks for the photos.
Matthew
December 31st, 2005 at 9:27 am
Bethany, meet my favorite atheist and dissenting commenter Matthew - (And he really is my favorite because he is always kind and polite…)
Matthew - meet Bethany.
Bethany, Joshua - Have Fun!!
December 31st, 2005 at 10:13 am
Bethany,
Just stumbled onto your blog. I appreciated your insights and you sharing your story. May you have a truly blessed life together with your new husband. May the Lord use the both of you as examples to other couples–Christian and non-Christian.
December 31st, 2005 at 10:36 am
Hi Matthew,
Welcome to my blog…I’ve actually read several comments from you before on Blest With Sons and Razorskiss!
Anyway, you are more than welcome here at any time.
(and thank you Blest, for the introduction…)
So, for your comment…..
I agree with this. Josh and I are only recently married and we’ve already assigned out some “territory” so to say, that is ours decision-wise. Of course, they are matters of little importance in the long run… (I don’t have to ask his permission or opinion if I want curtains…he trusts me to pick things out for the house, and frankly, I think he could care less if I use a valence or panels…get green or blue. Likewise, he is the techno-savvy computer nerd. Therefore, he doens’t ask me about downloading new software onto our computers, upgrading, adding new accessories, etc.). These are decisions we both give free rein to the other on.
So yeah. I’m better at decorating (WAY better
) and he’s much more gifted with technology. There are other things…but that is an example.
I missed where I actually said men in general are better at making decisions than women. Oh wait, I didn’t say that!
Marriage is an institution. All institutions have a “final say” person. At the school where I teach it is the principal of the school. For the district I teach in that person is the superintendent…
…and according to the Bible, for Christian families, that “final say” or “make the final call” person is the husband. This does not mean that the wife has no say. This does not mean the wife just sits and waits for the husband to make all the decisions (even the important ones.) At times the husband and wife are going to completely disagree and be unable to compromise on a situation (moving because of work, how to discipline a child, etc.). At these times, I think God has set it up for the husband to have the “final call” in this situation.
Now, I understand you are an atheist, so you probably disagree in following God’s instruction…but I was writing from a Christian perspective about what Christian women are called to do. I was not trying to convince you my way is better (even though I think it is! :D)
Also, you fail to mention anywhere the importance of the husband loving the wife as Christ loved the church. These verses–
–show that a man is to love his wife. I don’t mean love as our society looks at it. Something much harder to do. Love her when she’s a failure, love her when she’s a nag, love her when it’s impossible to love her even if she doesn’t deserve it—
I’m assuming from previous comments you’ve made on other’s blogs that you are familiar with the Bible and the story of Christ and his church. To love like that is inhuman, the sacrifice involved in incredible…
So, if a man does love his wife as he should, as Christ loved the church, he’s not going to be a domineering, overpowering tyrant who holds all decision making from his wife and never seeks her counsel. A man who loves his wife is going to know her, know her strengths, know her weaknesses and know when she may have wise counsel. He also is not going to make any important decision without finding out what she has to say about it (unless he is unable to ask) because that would be showing a lack of respect….which is wrapped up with loving her as Christ loved his church.
Joshua did make the right decision. And he would have listened to my input had I said, “Hold on, let’s talk about this.”
He also knows how I believe and knows that I was upset at what was going on. He probably, from my reaction to the janitor and security guard, thought it was a pretty safe decision. My only hesitation was out of pure selfishness. I wanted to do what I wanted to do, despite my beliefs at the time. Which, looking back on, I’m glad he just made the decision.
If he had told me, “I don’t think we should go in here. I disagree with their policy, what do you think?” The outcome would have been the same…because I could clearly see he was making the right decision. A decision based on shared beliefs.
The other reason Joshua did go ahead and make the decision is a personality reason. He’s relativley impulsive and passionate. I’m a lot more laid back. He is quick-witted and thinks quickly while I have to mull over possiblites.
At the time, that’s just what he felt. Like I said, if I had asked to discuss it, he would have been more than willing to. I just knew he was doing the right thing….there was no need for discussion. (And I must admit feeling a bit of guilt over being disappointed…instead of strong in standing up for what I believe is right :()
Agreed.
Submitting does work for me. Of course, I believe that if you follow the instruction in the Bible, well, then it works. I have found it to be true in other instances and have spoken with enough women who have been married for years (both who practiced submission and who did not) who agree that the Bible’s instruction on it is good.
I think submission is often mistaken for obedience without question. I think the wife should, kindly, give wise counsel to their husbands when needed. (I already mentioned he should seek it.) But, when it comes down to the last call, as I seem to like to say, I think it falls on the husband (unless in an area both have agreed is their strong point). If the husband is wrong then he’s wrong. The wife could have been just as easily.
Thank you for your congratulations. I appreciate it. And you are welcome for the photos. I must admit I am rather fond of them! As if you couldn’t tell from my posting them at every opportunity! (I even used a meme as an excuse to post wedding pics! :D)
And blest, I did have fun!
December 31st, 2005 at 11:11 am
Great comment on the comment Bethany :razz:. Your rock!
December 31st, 2005 at 12:46 pm
Hi Bethany,
Thanks for visiting my site. Last night after reading Blest’s post I made a mental note to check out yours today. I was tired and I wanted to be able to give it my full attention. I’m so glad I did. What a great post! I really enjoyed your thoughts on marriage and submission. As a woman who spent the first 7 seven years of her marriage fighting against authority and using any means possible to always have everything done my way, I can attest to the incredible mercy that our God has generously poured upon us by laying down His wise guidleines for a peace-filled marriage. Submission was, and still is at times, difficult for a person like me, I admit it. Yet submission, along with other godly principles for marriage, are the very reasons my husband and I will soon celebrate our 17th anniversary. Thank you again for this post and may God bless and strengthen your marriage daily.
December 31st, 2005 at 1:04 pm
Wowee Kazowee Bethany!! That was an AWESOME reply. Far better, I think, than any reply I’ve ever given him. You Rock!!
December 31st, 2005 at 10:26 pm
What a great post Bethany! It is so hard to submit. I read a wonderful book this year called ‘Created to be His Helpmeet’ by Debi Pearl. It is a MUST read! I wish I had it in my hands before I had gotten married, but then maybe then I wasn’t ready to digest something like that. I need to continually read the book and put aside my own wants and submit unto my husband.
January 3rd, 2006 at 10:54 pm
Hi Bethany,
Thank you for taking my comment in the spirit in which it was made: joyful appreciation of your new life of consecrated love with Josh.
I wouldn’t have played devil’s advocate if I didn’t think you could handle it with aplomb, and you have proved me right.
Have a wonderful first year of marriage!
Matthew
January 3rd, 2006 at 11:43 pm
Bethany…wonderful post! It took me a long time to learn the art of submission, but it is a godly principle that makes relationships so much more pleasant when done in a spirit of love and not grudgingly. God’s ways are confusing sometimes, but when we practice them, it becomes obvious why He gives us those instructions…..it’s like finding a wonderful secret!
I found you on Two Talent Living carnival…thanks!
Christie
May 21st, 2006 at 7:23 pm
[...] In Under the Veil and Under His Authority, Bethany of A Picturesque Life discusses the following: On the way home I just smiled inside with complete satisfaction. That was my role. To stand by my husband’s decisions….and it really wasn’t all that painful! I’m sure the day will come when the decision will be larger…and maybe more important to me. The decision will affect a lot more than how we spend an evening. It will be big. But I will have to trust that God knows what he is doing in assigning roles and giving instruction. And I’ll have to trust that Joshua is doing his part… [...]
June 7th, 2006 at 3:08 pm
[...] So, I considered my own personality. I like things peaceful. I like pretty things. I love pictures and I knew I wanted that to be a part of my blog. But I didn’t want to limit myself to just a photoblog…although I have several photoblogs I truly enjoy. I wanted to be able to tell a story if I chose to, or to ask opinoions on particular topics. I even thought I might consider contraversial topics on occasion…(which I’ve only done a few times but they were fun!) [...]
June 10th, 2006 at 8:19 am
[...] This may be a surprise, but my favorite posts to write are when I have thoughts to share about my Christian walk or family life. I post so much fluffy content or filler content that may not show on my blog. But I’m happiest with my deeper posts. I guess I’m just too lazy to do it often. If you want to see my favoirte posts from this blog, here they are! What do you think is your biggest strength blogwise? Biggest weakness? [...]